Secure An Important Client
As salesman was assigned to secure an important client but failed in his mission. He faxed his secretary and asked her to break the news indirectly to his boss. His note read, "Failed in securing client, prepare the boss."
He received the following fax from his secretary: "The boss is prepared...prepare yourself."
40 Years Married Experience
On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"
Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
What happens in an indian hell?
An Indian dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes first to the German hell and asks "What do they do here?" He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.
Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a very long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks "What do they do here?"
He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in? "Because maintenance is so bad >that>>the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the cafeteria..."
By mistake amputated
In a big commercial Hospital, the Doctor goes to a patient in the post surgical ward tells:
I hava one good news and a bad news for you, tell me which one you want to hear first ?
Patient with lot of curiosity says Doctor first tell me what is the bad news ?
Doctor says : We are very sorry that by mistake we have amputed your right leg instead of your problamatic left leg.
Ooh god " tell me what is the good news ? patient asks doctor with lot of anxiety.
Doctor with a smile on his face coolly tells: On further investigations on your leg problem, it is found that your left leg doesn't require amputation and it is perfectly alright.
Patient goes mad........hhee...hheee...hheeeee
Smart Doctor and His Treatment
A young woman wasn't feeling well, and asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician.
"I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that."
The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced. "I'm back!"
Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, "Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit."
Krishnajanma
In some remote village of India, one masterji is teaching the Mahabharat katha to class 6 students. He is at the 'krishnajanma' part of it.
Masterji: "Kansa heard the akashwani that his sister's 8th child is going to kill him. He was furious. He ordered to put vasudev n devki behind the bars.
First son is born, and kansa kills him by poisoning... Second one is born n kansa throws him off the mountain peak. Third one is born..."
Now Ramu, who is smartest of the lot, puts up his hand. Masterji, I have a doubt (sounding nervous n confused)
Masterji: "Ramu bete, whole India does not have doubt in mahabharata then how come u have one?"
Ramu : Masterji, if Kansa knew that Devaki's 8th child was going to Kill him,
WHY THE HELL DID HE PUT VASUDEV AND DEVAKI IN THE SAME CELL ?
Masterji fainted.........................
Women are extremely determined
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks,
interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a
woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our
instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will
find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The
agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife
and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with
tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said,
"You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to
kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were
heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the
walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and
there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. "This gun was
loaded with false bullets" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the
chair!!"
MORAL: Women are extremely determined.. Don't mess with them?
Marvellous answer
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively,
"So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work as a new one.
So how come you get the big money, when you and me is doing basically the same work? "
The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic...........
He said: " Try to do it when the engine is running ".
Some blonde are so stupid that
Some blonde are so stupid that ...
* she called me to get my phone number.
* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."
* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
*she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
*she tried to drown a fish.
*she thought a quarterback was a refund.
*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
*she tripped over a cordless phone.
*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
*she studied for a blood test.
*she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home
For God's sake where do u want it..
In a Test between India and the West Indies, the fiery Wes Hall was sending quivers down the Indian spine. The new batsman walked slowly to the crease feeling like a lamb at the slaughterhouse.
As the great bowler thundered in, suddenly he stood up in the crease, and signaled that he wanted the sightscreen adjusted. Adjustments were made and the bowler was ready to come in again.
Once again, in the middle of bowler’s run-up, the batsman found something disturbing in the sightscreen. This went on a few times before the irritated umpire walked up to the batsman and enquired, "Where do you want the sight screen, for God's sake?"
The trebling batsman asked, "Could I have it between him and me?"
Banta facing Brett Lee..
Banta is selected to play for the Indian cricket team as an opening batsman in a one-day game against Australia. He came down to face the first over from Brett Lee who is bowling at his fiercest.
First ball: Whizzes past Banta 's off-stump. Banta doesn't move an inch. Ball goes to the wicket keeper.
Second ball: Goes right over the Banta 's bat and just over the middle stump missing both the bat and the stumps. Banta is again unmoved.
Third ball: Is a bouncer and misses Banta 's head by a fraction of an inch. Yet Banta is unmoved.
Fourth ball: Outside the leg-stump. Banta doesn't move and the ball shoots past him to the wicket keeper. But this time, the umpire shouts "No Ball!"
Banta walks up to the umpire and tells him, "So you discovered it now? You see, I know from the very beginning this guy has no ball in his hand!"
Karate Class
Banta was a not too smart kind of guy. Everyday when he walked home from work, he would get stopped by three nasty men and they would beat him up and steal his money.
Finally, Banta decided that it would serve his best interest to walk a different route and then take up some self-defense classes so this wouldn't happen again. He joined a karate class and soon was doing very well to defend himself.
So, one day, on the way home from work Banta took his old route home and sure enough there they were. He walked up to them and the battle ensued. The next afternoon Banta went to his karate class with a black eye, a broken nose and a busted lip.
His instructor, shocked, asked him what happened.
"Well," explained Banta , "I took my old way home last night so I could beat these guys up who were stealing my money, but they beat me up before I could get my shoes and socks off!"
