Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Jokes Humour Fun

Woman Keeping Secrets

 

Jeeto complained to her friend Preeto

"She told me that you told her the secret I told you not to tell her."

"Well," replied Preeto in a hurt tone, "I told her not to tell you I told her."

"Oh dear!" sighed Jeeto. "Well, don't tell her I told you that she told me."

 

 

Cowboy problems

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's you're name?"

"Rambo," the cowboy moaned.

"Where ya from, Rambo?"

With pain in his voice Rambo replied.... "The balcony."

 

 

Crossing a Red Light

In the traffic court a young lady was brought before the judge to answer for a ticket given her for driving through a red light.

She explained to his honor that she was a school teacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case so she could get to the school on time.

A wild gleam came into the judge's eyes.

"You're a school teacher, eh?" he said. "Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. I've waited years to have a school teacher in this court. Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not drive through red lights' 500 times!

 

Age that matters.

Father to son: Do you know how Mr.Jawaharlal Nehru was reading at your age, day and night?
Son: I do not know how he was studying at my age, but I know he was a prime minister at your age.

 

 

Performance Appraisal Report

Attention: Human Resources
Hemant  Sharma, my assistant programmer, can always be found

hard at work in his cubicle. Hemant  works independently, without

wasting company time talking to colleagues. Hemant  never

thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always

finishes given assignments on time. Often Hemant  takes extended

measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping

coffee breaks. Hemant  is an individual who has absolutely no

vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound

knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Hemant  can be

classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be

dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Hemant  be

promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be

executed as soon as possible.

Regards,
Project Leader

e-mail two Attention: Human Resources
Hemant  Sharma was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines [1, 3, 5, etc.] for my true assessment of his ability.
Regards,
Project Leader

 

 

 

Must Read for Sales Guys

Boss to Sales Executive: Get 5 lacs business by today evening anyhow.
Sales Executive:That's Impossible Sir!
Boss: What Impossible? Impossible word itself says I'm possible.

In Evening...,
Executive: Boss, I got 10 lacs business.
Boss: Great! How come this miracle happened?
Executive: I cheated the client.
Boss: That's Immoral.
Executive: What Immoral? Immoral word itself says I'm moral.

 

Anything else my lord

A small boy was standing in a street and was trying to ring the bell of a house. His hand was not reaching up there so he was trying to jump. An old man enters the street and as he sees that child unabling to ring the bell he smiles and turns up to the boy and ring the bell twice and says " Anything else my lord ?" The child replys sharply " Now run quickly before they come out and beat both of us ".

 

Appraisal.........



APPRAISAL

Appraisal ke naam par ek lambi aah bharte hain,
chaliye ab hum is "dukhad" kahani ki shuruat karte hain,

hamehsa ki tarah 10 baje thumakte hue office aya,
11 baje tak nashta kiya aur barah baje tak mail hi padh paya,

hamesha ki tarah aaj bhi mujhe alas aa raha tha,
aur mera PM mujhe tirchi nigaho se dekh-dekh gussa raha tha,

main bade concentration ke sath ek "Careful" mail padh raha tha,
tabhi dekha mere PM ke naam ka new mail kone main blink kar raha tha,

is mail ki amad se itna ghabara raha tha,
ki CLTR + F4 ki jagah shift + F5 daba rah tha,

phir koi trainig attend karni hogi, ye kya bakwas hai,
kya reply maim likh dun ki mere mailbox ka upwas hai ?

maine aankhen band ki aur 10 bar "om" "om" bola,
aur pranam karte hue maine wo mail khola,

PM ke is mail main ek ajeeb sa sukoon aur bholapan hai,
likha hai bhaiyon appraisal letters aa gaye,ab to one-to-one hai,

mujhe lag rah tha vb ke environment pe unix ka code likh diya ho kisi ne,
dil aise dhadak raha tha jaise baar baar dil pe double click kiya ho kisi ne,

man main aise bure bure khayal aa rahe the,
upar se kuch log mere "de-appraisal" ki gandi affvah uda rahe the,

appraisal aise aya jaise India main Michael Jackson aya ho,
jaise Indian football team ne ,Manchester United ko haraya ho,

PM ko letter late dekh har koi use dekhta jata hai,
jaise mallika ke kisi naye gane ko dekha jata hai,

akhir wo waqt aya,
PM ne ek ek kar sabko ander bulaya,

jo bhi ander jata hansta hua jata,
jo bahar ata , murjhaya hua ata,

jo bhi ander jata, sabko dekhte hue jata,
jaise hi bahar ata , sabse mooh chupata,

bahar aa kar insaan sambhal bhi nahi pata hai,
ki "kitna hua kitna mila" har koi uspe toot jata hai,

aisa lagta hai wo romm nahi "time machine" ho jo sabke ander leti ho,
aur "good time" se utha kar "bad time" main lakar chod deti ho,

kisi ko appraisal main 2000 rupaye mile the, main uski hansi uda raha tha,
tabhi maine dekha mera PM ishare se mujhe inder bula raha tha,

main confidence se utha aur age kadam badhaya,
tabhi meri belt ka buckle toot ke nikal aya,

meri halat to abhi se hi buri ho gayi,
sala izzat utarna to yahi se shuru ho gayi,

main ander pahuncha aur PM ne mujhe bithaya,
usne mera letter padha aur wo hansi rok na paya,

wo hansne laga aur hansta hi chala gaya,
use yaron hansi ka thaska a gaya,

wo itna hansa ki use ansu aa gaye,
mere appraisal digits use itne bha gaye,

jaise hi usne appraisal letter meri taraf badhaya,
meri ankhon ke age ghanghor andhera chaya,

mujhe laga jaise meri dil ki deewar ko kisi ne gobar se pota hai,
are yaar "bees rupaye" ? ye bhi koi increment hota hai ?

ye software indusrty hai akhada nahi hai,
ye "SALARY INCREMENT" hai , Dadar ane-jane ka bhada nahi hai,

meri charon taraf kali ghata chayi,
tabhi mere PM ki soothing awaz ayi,

tum soch rahe hoge ke companuy mgmt ka dimag phir gaya hai,
par beta hum kya karen , dollar ka bhav 2 rupaye jo gir gaya hai ,

par phir bhi mujhe lagta hai, ye letter fake hai,
mujhe to lagta hai ye printing mistake hai,

tum HR main jao,
aur ye confirm karke ao,

bhai HR main jane ke liye taiyyar hona padta hai,
wahi to aisi jagah hai jahan sunder ladkiyon se pala padta hai,

shitt!! jahan "Ronak" baith ti hai, aaj whan baitha "Aftab" hai,
main samajh gaya beta, aaj apna badluck hi kharab hai,

usne mera letter khola,
aur khush ho ke bola,

wo bola sir aap ke liye khushkhabri hai,
aap ke letter ne "Printing mistake" pakdi hai,

maine kaha boss ab der na lagayen ,
aur mujhe mera actual amount batayen,

sorry sir ye mistake just by accident hai,
bees rupaye nahi , do rupaye aap ka increment hai,

main kya karun aap ko ye batete hue mera dil ro raha hai,
par kya karen dollar ka bhav bhi to kam ho raha hai,

main bas wahan khada tha ,kuch samajh nahi aa raha tha,
mujhse zyada increment to security wala pa raha tah,

maine khud ko sambhala, khud ko uthaya ,
main lauta aur seedhe PM ke pass aya,

main seedha uske cabin gaya aur darwaza khola,
is se pehle ki wo bole, main hi us se bola,

sir ye paise wapis le lijiye, baat karna fizool hai,
main gareeb hun, par bheekh nahi leta ye mera usool hai,


doston ek ant main ek shayari --

"appraisal aisa laddu hai ,jise khane ka har kisi ka khwab hota hai,
par ek bar koi ise kha le , to bada bhayankar julaab hota hai,"
 

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

How to use new rupee symbol in documents

Hi,

Our Govt may take over 6 more months before it start using the New Rupee Symbol - ` - in official documents, including the currency note. But an internet engineering company based in India has developed the font - called Rupee Foradian and made it available. Following is the procedure to use the rupee symbol.

 

·         Copy the attached font to "C:\WINDOWS\Fonts" folder of your PC

·         Now the grave accent symbol i.e., (`)  the key just above the "tab" button in your keyboard with the new rupee symbol

·         Just select "rupee" font from the drop down list of your fonts in your application and press the key just above your tab button. it will display the new rupee symbol of India

 

 

 

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Rajnikanth iss Backk..!!!!


 

Rajni Is Back..!!!  So please Take Care..!!

 

1. When Rajnikanth does push-ups, he isn't lifting himself up. He is pushing the earth down.

2. There is no such thing as evolution; it's just a list of creatures that Rajnikanth allowed to live.

3. Rajnikanth can divide by zero.

4. Rajnikanth can judge a book by its cover.

5. Rajnikanth can delete the Recycle Bin.

6. Rajnikanth can slam a revolving door.

7. Rajnikanth once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are today called giraffes.

8. Rajnikanth can make onions cry.

9. Rajnikanth destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

10. Rajnikanth once got into a knife-fight. The knife lost.

11. Rajnikanth never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself in fear.

12. Rajnikanth doesn't breathe. Air hides in his lungs for protection.

13. Rajnikanth does not own a stove, oven, or microwave, because revenge is a dish best served cold.

14. Rajnikanth has already been to Mars, that's why there are no signs of life there.

15. Rajnikanth doesn't move at the speed of light. Light moves at the speed of Rajnikanth.

16. Rajnikanth knows Victoria's secret.

17. Google won't find Rajnikanth because you don't find Rajnikanth; Rajnikanth finds you.

18. Rajnikanth leaves messages before the beep.

19. Rajnikanth calls Voldemort by his name.

20. Rajnikanth's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Rajnikanth.

21. Rajnikanth once had a heart attack. His heart lost.

22. Rajnikanth is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

23. Rajnikanth doesn't wear a watch. He decides what time it is.

24. When you say "no one is perfect", Rajnikanth takes this a personal insult.

25. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Rajnikanth could use to kill you, including the room itself.

26. When Rajnikanth is asked to kill some one he doesn't know, he shoots the bullet and directs it the day he finds out.

27. Rajnikanth can answer a missed call

 



New symbol for its currency rupee

 

India approves new symbol for its currency rupee

The Indian federal Cabinet on Thursday approved the new symbol for the Indian rupee

The Indian Cabinet on Thursday approved the new symbol for the Indian rupee – an amalgam of the Devnagiri 'Ra' and the Roman capital 'R' without the stem.

The symbol, designed by Indian Institute of Technology (IIT) postgraduate D. Udaya Kumar, was selected from among five shortlisted symbols before the Cabinet, Information and Broadcasting minister Ambika Soni said after the cabinet meeting. "It is just a symbol," she told reporters.

For Indians used to seeing the dollar symbol on the keyboard, this will be a welcome change. It will be just a matter of a few months for India's new rupee symbol to be a part of the software code to be easily accessible to users across the world, according to technology vendors.



 

CLEAN YOUR KIDNEYS IN LESS THAN Rs 1.00

 

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Years pass by and our kidneys are filtering the blood by removing salt, poison and any unwanted entering our body. With time, the salt accumulates and this needs to undergo cleaning treatments and how are we going to overcome this?

·         It is very easy, first take a bunch of parsley (MALLI Leaves) KOTHIMBIR (DHANIYA) and wash it clean.

·         Then cut it in small pieces and put it in a pot and pour clean water and boil it for ten minutes, let it cool down, then filter it, pour in a clean bottle and keep it inside refrigerator to cool.

·         Drink one glass daily and you will notice all salt and other accumulated poison coming out of your kidney by urination also you will be able to notice the difference which you never felt before.

Parsley is known as best cleaning treatment for kidneys and it is natural!